Aidan - TheSATraveller

A Sense of Security, Peninsula Malaysia

by Aidan on Nov 16, 2024 category Travel

After being secluded for a month I was an anxious mess. I had spent too long alone with my own thoughts over that month – which I learned lots from – but I found myself reverting to that shy, awkward boy who can vanish without a whisper. This was how I felt when I arrived in Langkawi, Malaysia for the first time… I also felt excited to be exploring a new country, I had spent nearly 3 months in Thailand!

But I was ok, I think when somebody such as myself, who is shy by nature, hides for a month naturally all those avoidance tendencies that they are trying to overcome, come back with a vengeance. That is what happened.

My first interactions were very awkward, it was like I had briefly forgotten how to communicate. I became petrified whenever I looked into anyone’s eyes, I would walk the other way just to avoid any brief exchanges with anyone.

But I did end up conversing with a few people, it was slow and awkward but I accepted this as inevitable. But I was ok with this, I knew I would recover after a few days. I did not beat myself up for this, which is something I would normally do.

I was being kinder and more patient with myself which, for me, means I am making progress!

Afterwards, I made my way down to George Town, a city in Penang Island.

For the first time sense being on my travels I seemed to have a clear direction with what I was doing, I felt a sense of security in myself.

This is one of my favourite destinations so far. I spent 8 hours on the first day just walking around and taking everything in. Langkawi being predominantly Malay and Penang being mostly Chinese, it felt like I walked into a completely different country!

After spending such a long time in Thailand, I really appreciated the culture shock and felt myself getting excited about the country I was about to explore!

(Amazing street art everywhere, not to mention gorgeous Taoist temples and mosques!)

However, I booked the hostel In George Town without any research – and as the host showed me to my dorm she showed me to the wide, open bar upstairs. A she gleefully told me, ‘… and there is a bar upstairs!’

‘Great’, I replied! My heart sank as I realized I had booked a party hostel… As she said those words I could already feel the anxiety begin to bubble up inside…

But it was ok, I saw the prospect of walking up those stairs as a really good way in which to counter my anxiety

And I did it! On the first day it was horrible. As I did not have the courage to start a conversation, I stood and loitered near the conglomeration awkwardly. I suffered a hour of hell and locked myself in the toilet, subsequently running away back tot the safety of my bed.

The following day went much better, knowing no one I willed my body to sit and eat my breakfast with a group I had never spoken to before. the same evening I did the same thing and asked to join a few who were having a conversation.

It did not go perfectly but I did it and faced up to the anxiety!

The following day I did not go and socialize because, being truthful, I was really scared! But that’s ok

I felt a sense of security in myself as I challenged the anxiety that I was experiencing.

The following day I left to go to Ipoh, followed by the Cameron Highlands.

Despite objectively failing at the hostel prior, I felt really positive going forward.

I still had many moments of shyness at both Ipoh and the Cameron Highlands. Such as, diverting my eyes when walking past somebody, or going very quiet when put in a group situation. That was ok, I feel I had recovered from Langkawi and that I was improving.

Whilst I was at the Cameron Highlands I met somebody, also from England, who was following the same route as I was. We seemed to get on well and after discussing it a little bit, we decided that we would travel together for a bit.

This was great, as whilst it can be really freeing being on the road on your own, it does get lonely.

I felt very happy but equally as scared to be travelling with someone else. I am not used to spending time with people, let alone all of my time!

But I liked him and I knew that it would do me a world of good spending that much time with someone else. I knew it would be really taxing, and it would be hard but it would be another step in the right direction. It gave me a sense of security that I had never experienced when travelling alone.

And so we travelled through Kuala Lumpur, Melaka and Singapore together (and Borneo).

I loved it, we had some really great conversations and shared some amazing travel experiences.

However, I got so tired. I was on alert all the time, trying to mange and control the anxiety that I was experiencing when around him. Do we have to speak all the time? Do we spend all our time together? I did not know how to act!! I found myself craving my own company much of the time. Not because I did not enjoy his company, but because it was really taxing.

Kuala Lumpur was incredible, it felt so alive, rich in culture and people. Melaka was a really charming colonial city. Singapore was like nothing I have ever experienced before, the most modern and beautiful city I have seen.

After Singapore we went back to Kuala Lumpur to fly to the Borneo side of Malaysia

What have I gathered from the experience?

I was learning to share my time with others more. I was spending most of my time with somebody else – all the breakfasts, lunches and dinners and all the activities. It was not easy but I think it was amazing for me. Each day the anxiety got less and less when around him, and I found myself sometimes relaxing and becoming less on edge and on alert.
I was gaining a sense of calmness about myself. I’m still not sure what the feeling means but I am guessing it meant that I was gaining, not confidence, but a sense of security in who I was.
Something was changing in my outlook on life, it felt sometimes as if I was going into some sort of meditative state. I’m still not sure what was happening but something in my mind was shifting. At the time of writing I am still struggling to understand quite what was/is happening… but a calmness was coming over me.

I really, really loved this first half of Malaysia (peninsula). It felt like for the first time I was steadily making some progress. I had an amazing time and was starting to feel happier in myself and began to develop a sense of security in the path that lay ahead.

Thank you for reading!

Here are some links to some of my previous posts, here and here

Perfectionism – A Violent Driver and a Ruthless Inner Critic

by Aidan on Oct 11, 2024 category Thoughts

Does it ever feel like nothing is ever good enough? No matter how diligent and consistent you are in your pursuit of a goal you never feel like, “Today I did really well!”

Yes me too! I crush myself when I under perform, and when I do fulfil a goal which I have set, I feel as if “well I should be meeting that standard in the first place”.

Recently, however, I met somebody on my travels who read my blog and picked up on the ‘perfectionist’ tone in some of my blog posts. See if you can spot that here as well!

As a result, I did some research, and wow! It all started to make a little more sense. The constant shame and guilt over my performance, and my own inability to feel good for things I have achieved leads to an overwhelming sense of insecurity in most areas of my life.

From this perspective it is very bad but… I can push myself soo hard. In this way it is both a blessing and a curse.

After researching this topic, I have realized that I do not want to remove my perfectionism. It is part of who I am. I just want to tame it – still pushing myself but also able to take a step back, able to treat myself like I would a loved one – kind and understanding, but firm and honest…

So lets get into it!

What is Perfectionism?

Oxford dictionary – the fact of liking to do things perfectly and not be satisfied with anything less

APA Dictionary of Psychology – The tendency to demand of others or of oneself an extremely high or even flawless level of performance, in excess of what is required by the situation. It is associated with depression, anxiety, eating disorders and other mental health problems.

For me, it is the constant need to be amazing at everything. All my social interactions have to be perfect. My guitar playing has to be sublime. I should always be kind. I should always be happy.

It is these totally rigid, extreme and most often impossibly unattainable expectations which we impose on ourselves and others which characterise perfectionism. Any deviation from this leads to harsh criticism towards ourselves and others.

What does all of this lead to?

Perfectionism is a Barrier to Confidence

We only feel good when we perceive ourselves to have done something extraordinary. Achieving something that others have attained, such as getting a degree, is not enough. Moreover, If we do not complete the task as hoped it re-asserts those pre-existing insecure feelings we have. When we make a mistake, we go down a rabbit hole of self mutilation, reminding ourselves of other times we messed up. The expectations we place upon ourselves are sky-high, unrealistic and sometimes impossible. We set ourselves up to fail.

It is like trying to impress somebody, but every time you think you have done something amazing, it is still unimpressive, there is some flaw or they say well, “you should be achieving that anyway!”

Unable to develop our self esteem, it is near impossible to create an internal security in who we are.

Any confidence we have is insecure, only present when we very rarely meet the unrealistic expectations placed on ourselves.

Not a confidence which is secure in itself, present even when we may fail.

Perfectionism leads to Procrastination and Avoidance

The anxiety associated with failing means we are unable to tackle even simple tasks surrounding our goals.

We cannot cope with being bad at anything, we expect only perfection immediately, regardless of whether we have only just started or not, if there is not a certainty that an activity will go perfectly it can seem as if there is no point trying at all.

This is a paralysing fear that can prevail, paralysing us. Preventing us from pursing our goals.

I notice this with my guitar practice – I apply sooo much pressure on my self to be amazing, I do not patiently learn the basics, skipping to try and play things out of my ‘range’ because of this desire. This leads to frustration as it is to hard for me, I then beat myself up over this because I feel like I am bad.

As a consequence of this, there is so much guilt, shame, frustration and anxiety associated with the act that it is no longer enjoyable 🙁

So I procrastinate, beating myself for avoiding the task and the cycle continues…

As you can probably guess…

Perfectionism can Lead to Mental Health Issues

Many of the ‘symptoms’ of a perfectionist are analogous to that of depression, such as spirally guilt, low self worth and a tendency to avoid and disengage with reality.

Thoughts loops such as; ‘I am a loser, I am useless and a failure!’

As a result, being a perfectionist can put you at a higher risk of suffering from depression

Many studies show this such as this one

Additionally, I suffer from social anxiety. Which stems from a need for every social interaction to go perfectly, a need to be perceived in an overwhelmingly positive light by others. You could say that social anxiety is a kind of ‘interaction perfectionism’. Just made that one up!! Here is a study linking social anxiety to perfectionism.

So then, what can we do about it?

Be Conscious of Your Thoughts

We barrage ourselves with self criticism whenever we fail or make a mistake. Notice these thoughts as they arise. Do not push them away but let them sit.

Take a step back and try to look at your thoughts objectively and ask whether it is beneficial to continue to think in this manner.

And then…

Find the Nuance…

Say to yourself, “okay well maybe this did not go as planned.” But… “I did such and such well…”

At the moment this is what I am trying to do with social anxiety. For example this is what I wrote in my dairy after a social event at a hostel the other day.

Treating situations objectively, and judging them as you would say an exam paper at school…

What went well

What did not go so well

What can I improve upon next time

So instead of beating myself up, I am being more mature with my thoughts and I am impartially evaluating, being kind and giving constructive feedback to myself.

Caring for myself just as I would a loved one… Which does not come naturally!

Give Yourself a Pat on the Back

So you achieved something that in your perfectionist mind is only a mediocre. Something that everyone else seems to do easily that you only just learned. You actually did everything which you set yourself

You can still say, “well done!”

“Good job”

This is what I am trying to do at the moment. When I learn a new song, however easy, on the guitar I try and let myself feel good for it and you know what I am actually starting to enjoy playing again…

Allow Yourself the Freedom of Being Shit

Be awful at something, I know it is not fun and your perfectionist brain forbids it.

Let go of control and acquiesce to the god of shitness! I have been doing this recently and it is sooo freeing!!

Accept your flaws for what they are and present a bad first draft of yourself

So often have I missed out on life being I am afraid of being shit, avoiding talking because I fear I will be awkward, avoiding practising the basics on guitar because in my own head I am a guitar god (so stupid!)

At the moment I am trying to work on my social anxiety and social skills. You can read my latest travel post here. I am going and talking to people, accepting that it will not go perfectly, I will be awkward.

I am trying to welcome my imperfections, receiving them and working to improve just a little every day.

Leading to…

Do Something!

You are always a fool when you start something new

If you never start anything new, you will never challenge yourself, never attain new skills and hence never develop.

There is a quote from Jung which I like for this:

“The perpetual hesitation of the neurotic to launch out into life is readily explained by his desire to stand aside so as not to get involved in the dangerous struggle for existence. But anyone who refuses to experience life must suffocate his longing to live – in other words, he must commit partial suicide.”

I know now that being unskilled and inferior is the precursor to transformation.

And just do something, however bad you are at first…

Thanks for reading!!!

This has been a recent revelation which has really been changing things in my life recently. Giving myself the freedom to be bad and being objective about my mistakes has made me experience more hope in my life.

It all started when I did a Muay Thai camp in Thailand. I was bad initially and I hated it. So I allowed myself to be bad and just worked on improving each and it was such a release.

I am trying to apply this same philosophy to every thing which I do.

Just working hard for incremental weekly improvements… Still pushing myself but trying to not beat myself up that I am not a master at everything!

Here are some of the sources I used to gather some of this information… here, here and here

Here are the 5 ways teaching can bolster your confidence

by Aidan on Oct 3, 2024 category Thoughts, Travel

Does it ever feel like words are unnatural to you; like everyone else glides through conversations whilst your left fumbling and mumbling through them?

Yes me too!

Maybe volunteering as a teacher can help!!

Today I am going to share what I learned volunteering as an English teacher in Thailand. I think teaching can benefit everyone somewhat, but could be amazing for those less confident in themselves. I think it has the potential to really bolster your confidence!

At the time of writing this I had been solo travelling Thailand for just over 2 months, here is a link if to my previous post… if you want to check out what else I have been up to!

Firstly, here’s a quick overview of what I did:

I used the website Workaway to find hosts, which is a volunteering and work exchange platform that allows you to stay somewhere, exchanging some work for free or really cheap accommodation.

Initially, I helped out at a hostel in Phitsanulok, a beautiful, non-touristy Thai city, in between Bangkok and Chiang Mai. The owner ran and his wife ran a hostel and an after-school classroom to teach English to students. I was helping out at the hostel and teaching English. Overall the experience was great, but whilst I was shown a little how to teach I felt I had to learn on the job; on my first day I planned and taught a full 2 hour lesson on my own!!

Afterwards, I volunteered at The Superhero English programme in Bangkok, a non profit organisation led by a husband and wife. The aim of the organisation is to teach English to kids in the more underprivileged schools so they have broader opportunities when they grow up. This was real work and we would start early and finish late, but it felt great to be part of a team and (I know it sounds Cliché) to be ‘making a difference!’

So, Here are the 5 ways teaching can bolster your confidence!

You are the centre of attention

For 20, 30 or 60 minutes you are the centre of the world, you are the driver and your level of engagement, enthusiasm and mood dictate the engagement of the students.

I have the tendency, when I am talking to others, to allow others to drive and control the conversation whilst I stick to the sidelines. I often subdue my speech even when I am talking about something I am passionate about; I often short my sentences and deflect questions in order to not speak myself.

You cannot stick to the sidelines whilst teaching a class, you are the one in control. You have to be carefree, extraverted and full of energy. You have to act as if you do not care what others think.

For example, during the second Workaway all the volunteers had to dance in front of 200 students and teachers, with all of the eyes on us!! it was incredibly embarrassing but you just had to let go of how people were perceiving you.

You are practicing being the centre of attention, fully engaging and projecting what you say, being the leading force in social interactions. You are also practicing being carefree and extraverted. You learn that you can be the centre of attention, in a position where everyone is watching and be ok, and even thrive. That is why I believe working as a teacher can improve you conversational skills, bolster your confidence in speech and in yourself.

(The van which we drove to the schools in!)

You are speaking in front of a group

During the 2nd Workaway, we were doing an introduction ceremony for the school, and I had the dreadful realisation that I would have to introduce myself and the country which I was from in front of around 200 people, students and teachers included! So there I waited as the other volunteers introduced themselves, heart pounding. I eventually took the microphone and introduced myself, my hands were shaking and my face went tomato-red. Julie, the lady who was leading the ceremony, saved me and stood in when I lost face, thank god. Anyway, eventually I just about managed to stumble through it. I was awkward and nervous but looking into the crowd after I finished I saw that no one cared, and the ceremony proceeded smoothly in spite of my awkwardness.

The following day I repeated the introduction, still very anxiously, but a little more confidently and a little less cautiously. Imagine if you had to do a similar thing every day, and stand and speak in front of a large group, you would get increasingly comfortable, and the act of speaking in front of a large group would become less and less of a scary thing. You would become more confident in the act of speaking to large groups, bolstering your confidence in speech and in general.

You are actively contributing to the world around you

You are teaching others’ how to improve at something. Giving up some of your time so that others can learn. During the 2nd Workaway we went to a more remote hilltribe school in which they had less exposure to modern developments, and it seemed were underprivileged. We were teaching English to those who were less fortunate, so they would have more opportunities. And, selfishly, this made me feel good when I finished each day. Even if you feel really, really bad about yourself, doing something good, that helps others, could give you some evidence that hey, maybe you are not so bad, ‘I may be useless but at least I did this 1 good thing today!’ Teaching helps to bolster your confidence as you are actively doing some good.

You learn lots from the kids

Kids are full of energy. They are playful. And they have an ability to make anything fun, anything silly. All they want to do is play. After a while this rubs off on you and your serious adult brain. During my first Workaway we played this game where the kids would answer a question and throw a ball into a basket. That was it, that was the game. They would be jumping up and down in the air in excitement, they could not wait to have their turn! And the act of winning would make them shout out loud in exaltation! I would then be laughing at home much fun they were having. Their ability to make the simplest of things fun, whilst it may not directly improve your confidence, can improve your outlook. Making you be more in the moment, engage and seek enjoyment more in the simple things of life.

You are improving at something

The first lessons which I planned during my first Workaway were not great, if I am honest. I was a bit of an anxious wreck, I was not energetic or engaging and the lessons did not flow. I felt teaching just was not for me and a few times I walked back to the hostel after class feeling pretty bad about myself. But I kept on trying, learning from the mistakes I made previously and really trying my best to plan engaging and informative lessons. I spent hours planning each night, buying a football to try and engage some of the older students! In the end my lessons still were not great, but I knew I had improved greatly, I was more confident leading a class and the lessons began flowing more smoothly. Teaching is a skill, and as I mentioned in one of my previous posts, improving at things can greatly bolster your confidence.

Volunteering as a teacher abroad has been an amazing experience for me and it is something that I really want to pursue further. Workaway and Worldpackers are great websites to use to find hosts if you want to volunteer abroad.

I really believe volunteering and working as a teacher, even if it is just for a bit, can be really good for anybody. Hopefully reading this has given you some inspiration!

Thanks for reading!

Seclusion, Anxiety and Liberation, One Month at a Muay Thai Camp!

by Aidan on Oct 3, 2024 category Travel

It has been a whirlwind. From endorphin fueled highs to isolated, overtrained misery. I feel as if I have been through it all this month. But I feel like I am through to the other side (finally!), feeling better than I have for years.

I want to share what I went through, why I feel so good at the time of writing and what I have learned. Hopefully I can inspire you in the process!!

The camp was next after my first teaching experience in Thailand, link to this here. I completed it at Bull Muay Thai, Ao Nang, Thailand.

Right, lets get to it…

(The family of cats that lived right outside my room!! They adopted me for two weeks…)

In the beginning…

The first few days were amazing, jacked-up on endorphins and super excited to be doing something I had wanted to do for years!

The training was so fun, and I felt I was learning lots each day.

I felt anxious that I would not be able to meet anybody, but that was a given. Despite this, I felt confident that I could overcome these feelings.

However, I was out of any nicotine products after my third day and I decided to finally give it up for good, and my smile began to turn upside down…

I turned back into a lesser version of myself

Despite tapering my nicotine consumption, I still suffered withdrawal. Insomnia, headaches, chronic brain fog and a resurgence of anxious and depressive thoughts

Around this time, just as Krabi became caught in a monsoon, I came out with a case of food poisoning.

I spent three days cooped up in my room, curtains drawn being sick and (as my mum can attest to!) feeling very, very sorry for myself!

I will say that again – I had my own room. Unlike in the hostels, I could disappear. Those three days stuck in my room lead me to fall back into old bad habits. I withdrew more and more. Telling myself the others at the training were antisocial and not myself, avoiding people at training and disappearing ASAP!! Back into a world in which I wasted my time tucked away, watching things on Youtube I did not even enjoy.

I became increasingly anxious and homesick, no longer feeling confident that I could overcome my anxious thoughts.

The training was not going as I hoped, my body felt weary and I was not making it to two sessions daily. I also injured my legs on the first day so I could not kick! I felt angry with myself for being lazy and for not making as much progress as I would have liked to.

I was stuck inside because of the torrential downpour, my self loathing mounting.

Having my own room was nice. However, unlike in the hostels, I could disappear. This was not good for me.

It was not all bad

The one good thing I did do was start this blog. On my third day I started this project, it has given me direction when I have been cooped up all day…

Ao Nang is beautiful. Everywhere you go there are magnificent, towering limestone formations everywhere. When the weather was nice, I felt blessed to be able to see and explore what I did.

Whilst I was unhappy with myself and my progress, I still really enjoyed training. The coaches were great, always playing and having fun… You have to watch out though – they’ll give you a quick jab to the body or a snappy kick if you’re not careful!

(It almost does not look real… The view from a longboat on the way to Railay Beach)

Then, everything seemed to come together…

I was making lots of progress on my blog, my withdrawal abated and because of my persistence at training, I started to improve.

I realized that sometimes I just needed a rest from training, so I took that extra rest day and came stronger and vastly improved! it made such a difference.

I began allowing myself to be bad, which is soooo freeing. Normally I pile up so much pressure on myself to be the best that the activity is no longer enjoyable and I stop improving. I stopped comparing and focused on myself.

It felt so good to be able to witness my own improvement!

It has given me such a sense of self confidence!

I left each session feeling great. The coach saying “well done, you do good” makes me feel amazing!

Every training session its hard. We start each session with ten minutes of skipping. Then, normally three rounds on the pads and three rounds on the bag (sometimes with push-ups in between rounds), followed by, three rounds sparring and fifteen minutes of clinching and then!… A core workout and stretching to finish…

Everything hurts. Your thighs from being leg kicked, shins from kicking the bag, wrists from punching and your nose from being hit in the face!

You have to learn to make a punch or kick. Initially, when sparring, I kept closing my eyes when I saw a punch was coming – flinching. You cannot do this. So for thirty seconds each day I got someone to just punch me in the stomach! You have to accept that you are going to get hit.

So, your body gets stronger, you get braver and your mind becomes increasingly resilient.

I feel a sense after completing it that I grew from the experience, this gives me confidence.

I am aware that I am still really bad, still a complete beginner. I do not think I have ever taken a hard kick or punch either. All of the trainers who are all a foot (if not more!) smaller than me could knock me out in a heartbeat if they wished. As I mentioned previously, I allowed myself to be bad, leaving my ego at the door. I was completely humbled, having to just focus on what I can learn and how I can improve

Furthermore

People were trying to get to know me at the gym and I realized all that fear was all in my head. I got to know people finally (I know, it only took three and a half weeks!).

Also, I started to get the know the trainers, and the gym began to feel like home.

I had a brief glimpse of who I would be if I continued those bad habits – a lonely, resentful and unaccomplished individual. The shock of seeing has given me lots of motivation to work harder.

(After a gruelling 1260 steps to the top, you are greeted by monkeys and this view at the Tiger Cave temple, Krabi)

And ultimately…

I had four weeks completely to myself. No travel, my only responsibility the training. Who ever has a month completely to themselves?

Had had a real chance to reflect on my life, the ways in which I lie to myself and self sabotage.

I devoted the past month to my blog and improving at Muay Thai, I worked hard.

These are not skills I had previously. Simply put, I have improved my skills.

And my body is as strong as it has ever been, which feels amazing!

As is often the case going through darker, tumultuous period has lead to this feeling of optimism.

To conclude

Disappear and develop some skills for a month and see how you feel.

And possibly even fall back into those bad habits, so you can just have a taste of how you would end up if you carried on with them…

Have a good look at yourself, and be honest!

I have not felt this optimistic and hopeful I think… Forever. I hope you can feel that after reading this. I want to learn more and more and more, improving my skills in every area possible!

I hope that you have gained some insights after reading this.

And feel inspired to do something similar…

Thanks for reading!

P.S here is a link to some other Muay Thai camps in Thailand, just here.

And here is a link to one of my previous posts, detailing my journey to try and overcome social anxiety.

Is Shyness a Curse?

by Aidan on Sep 24, 2024 category Thoughts

I used to think being shy was a curse. As I watched other more extraverted people flourish as I faded into the background, like elevator music. I would often get frustrated and ask myself, “why am I like this!”

I am not going to talk about why being shy is not a life sentence, I am going to show you. Here are five examples of success in spite of shyness.

Daniel Dubois

On the morning of the 22nd of September, I woke up at 4 am in the morning to watch Daniel Dubois and Anthony Joshua fight in a heavyweight title fight. Unexpectedly, Dubois, who was the underdog, came through and one the fight, a KO in the fifth round.

Daniel Dubois is a very shy individual, who many say is a man of few words. Even after the fight Ade Oladipo, the commentator, mentions, “I know you’re a man of few words.” He often lets others speak for him during interviews.

Despite being a successful heavyweight boxer he remains modest and respectful towards his opponents. As you can see in this video, even after winning a fight of that magnitude, you could see how he desperately wants to end the conversation, to divert the camera away from himself.

Moreover, he faced criticism for his lack of heart, taking a knee in a few fights. He has come back from this. Showing a willingness to continue even when the going gets tough in his recent fights, this latest being the crowning moment in his redemption story.

This quiet, camera shy individual has just shown how strong and skilled he is, defending his heavyweight title from the superstar Anthony Joshua; a two time heavyweight champion, who most believed would win the fight. Silencing many critics in the process.

Elon Musk

As you can tell Elon Musk is not a confident speaker, he lacks flow when he speaks and just seems uncomfortable on stage. His interviews are similar, with awkward silences being common. He was also very shy when he was younger, you can hear him talk about this here. And was the victim of some extreme bullying when he was a child, here is a link describing this in more detail. Whilst everybody’s definition of success is different, there is no doubt that he has achieved some amazing things. From co-founding Paypal and Space X to becoming the CEO of Tesla or even launching the first reusable rocket into space, his achievements are extraordinary!! I know the public opinion of him is very controversial, I however, am not considering this. His achievements give me hope for myself, as he achieved all of this in spite of his shyness and awkwardness.

Jimi Hendrix

Jimi Hendrix is widely regarded as the greatest guitarist of all time, totally changing music forever despite his career only being three years long. Considered a musical genius, influencing every guitarist to come after him. His performances on stage were legendary, being wild and unfettered, improvisational and free. Despite all this he was reportedly very shy, mild mannered and soft spoken off stage. I love his music and guitar playing, Jimi Hendrix being a massive of an enormous inspiration to me.

Metallica

What a bunch of nerds! I doubt they were very cool at school. James Hetfield (lead singer and rhythm guitarist) was very shy. He said in an interview that he was:

“pretty much afraid of everything, afraid of the world, afraid of speaking” https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1Eq9RVKT9XQ&t=498s&ab_channel=GuitarCenter

This is the most successful metal band in history having sold more 125 million albums worldwide, the black album alone spending 750 weeks on the billboard 200! In 1991 they played to a crowd of 1.6 million people in Moscow!! Again, like Jimi Hendrix, they changed the future of music, thrusting heavy metal into the mainstream. All of this was achieved by a bunch of ‘geeks’ with a very shy frontman… This makes me question whether shyness really is a a curse? Because it is starting to seem the opposite.

Chris Williamson

After seeing the way he confidently conducts himself during interviews you would be surprised to hear that he openly speaks about how he felt ‘isolated’ and ‘lonely’ when he was younger. In the video above he talks about being bullied at school and his insecurity and hyper-vigilance over others’ perceptions of himself. He has 635.42 million views on Youtube and his own podcast called the Modern Wisdom podcast, a podcast dedicated to the betterment of ourselves, interviewing figures such as David Goggins and Andrew Huberman. It seems as if his passion is sharing how others can better themselves and grow into the best version of themselves. Speculating on this, would he have been so successful in his niche had he not gone through what he did when he was younger, had he been secure and confident from an early age?

Gandhi

You mention the name Gandhi to anybody, they will know who you mean. He led the movement that ended British colonial rule in India, with an inspiring principle of non-violence. He was nominated for the Nobel Peace Prize five times for his efforts towards peace and equality, being imprisoned thirteen times in total across both South Africa and India because of his stubborn disobedience. He is seen as one of the worlds most inspirational public speakers, his most famous speech being the Quit India speech.

However, as you guessed, he was a very shy individual, according to himself:

“It was impossible for me to speak impromptu. I hesitated whenever I had to face strange audiences and avoided making a speech whenever I could. Even today I do not think I could or would even be inclined to keep a meeting of friends engaged in idle talk.”

Gandhi also sates that:

“I must say that, beyond occasionally exposing me to laughter, my constitutional shyness has been no disadvantage whatever. In fact I can see that, on the contrary, it has been all to my advantage. My hesitancy in speech, which was once an annoyance, is now a pleasure. Its greatest benefit has been that it has taught me the economy of words. I have naturally formed the habit of restraining my thoughts.” https://www.mentalhealthmantra.com/article/was-gandhiji-suffering-from-social-phobia-.html

Ultimately, Gandhi turned something that many see as a hinderance into a superpower, his natural shyness leading to a greater concentration towards the words spoken, leading to a higher concentration of meaning within his sentences.

Jim Carrey

The iconic star of Liar, Liar, The Truman Show and Bruce Almighty, known for his energetic and playful performances and a supernatural ability to contort his facial features, has reportedly stated that he was a very shy when younger saying:

“I know this sounds strange, but as a kid, I was really shy. Painfully shy. The turning point was freshman year, when I was the biggest geek alive. No one, I mean no one, even talked to me.” https://www.quotesdict.com/author/jim_carrey/

Is it despite or because he was shy when he was younger, that he now makes such a charismatic performer?

Conclusion

So the richest person alive at the moment of writing, some of the greatest musicians of all time, one of the greatest actors of all time, a successful podcaster, a boxing heavyweight champion and one of the most important political figures of the 19th to 20th century are all shy and introverted people. I know that there are also many extraverted and outgoing people who have been very successful. But all I am trying to show is that shyness and awkwardness did not stop the people above, with many of them using it to an advantage; so stop seeing shyness as a curse!!!

If I am honest, I am writing this as much to you as I am to myself.

I hope you get as much out of reading it as I did writing it!

If you want to hear more about my journey with social anxiety, click here for my most recent post on my solo trip around South East Asia.

Thanks for reading!

Can Social Anxiety be Cured?

by Aidan on Sep 18, 2024 category Thoughts

Ever dreamed of a world in which you are no longer socially anxious?

I often do. I often imagine what my life would be like had I never been a social anxious person. Where I was confident and outgoing.

When I was younger I often found myself searching for remedies online, looking for quick fixes where I would wake up the next day and be a completely different person…

So lets remind ourselves what is social anxiety?

‘Social anxiety disorder is a chronic mental health condition characterised by ongoing feelings of intense, persistent fear caused by the anticipation of, or participation in, social situations’ (Yale Medicine)

What causes social anxiety?

A combination of genetic and environmental factors cause social anxiety. For example, toddlers who are more shy are more likely to develop social anxiety disorder. Also, overprotective and hypercritical parenting is associated with social anxiety. (The New England Journal of Medicine)

What do we mean by ‘cure’

The simplest definition of cure is ‘to make a person or an animal healthy again after an illness’ (Oxford Dictionary)

Curing social anxiety would mean completely purging ourselves from any anxiety in social situations. But social anxiety is a natural thing that even the most confident people experience; it is the degree with which myself and others like me experience it which leads it to be diagnosed as a disorder. I do not think removing social anxiety is natural or beneficial to the individual.

Furthermore, in my opinion, the word ‘cure’ has the implication of a fast acting medicine, such as antibiotics used to clear a bacterial infection. In the context of social anxiety, the question, ‘can social anxiety be cured’, suggests that a quick fix is being looked for.

(This is not to condemn anyone for searching it, believe me I have asked Google this question many times!)

I looked for a quick fix for social anxiety when I was 17 all the way to 20; I turned to drugs and alcohol to remove the anxious feelings which I felt. Sometimes it worked and I had a temporary reprieve from neurotic thoughts. But that was all it was; a reprieve. Mostly it was just a way of escaping, ultimately only exacerbating the problem. Injuring my own and others’ lives around me; during this period, I dropped out of university twice and was kicked out by my mum three times because of my behaviour…

So, in my opinion, a cure is not what should be looked for as whilst it is important to imagine what life would look like if you were free from social anxiety, to motivate yourself, looking for a quick fix is not beneficial to recovery as there is no quick fix.

(Furthermore, I do not believe in the SSRIs which I was prescribed almost instantly by my GP. This is my opinion, but before taking SSRIs do some research as they are very addictive, and some studies even suggest there is no difference between the results of a placebo and the actual drug in mitigating anxiety disorders or depression. Link to one here)

So what can social anxiety sufferers do?

Bear with me; I am going on a tangent on an to attempt to explain some of my own ideas that I gathered from Carl Jung! (based on my own very limited understanding).

Carl Jung was a ‘Swiss psychiatrist, psychotherapist, psychologist and pioneering evolutionary theorist who founded the school of analytical psychology’.

He stated that there is a part of the self called the persona.

The persona, according to Jung, is the mediator between the ego and society, designed to make an impression others and conceal the true nature of ourselves.

“the persona is a complicated system of relations between individual consciousness and society” (Jung)

It is a representation of ourselves in the context of the society around it. We each have multiple personas depending upon the environment in which we are in. For example we may have one persona at work, and one at home.

If the persona is an extension of the ego what is the ego?

It is our own sense of what or who we are, our commander in chief, our centre of consciousness responsible for our own sense of identity throughout our life.

“I understand ego as a complex of ideas which constitutes the centre of my field of consciousness…” (Jung)

Socially anxious people, as you know, obsess over others’ opinions of themselves. According to the information above, we are obsessing over how people perceive our persona; what we offer to the world around us as a representation of ourselves.

Due to hyper-sensitivity and a desperate need to be perceived in a positive light socially anxious individuals (like me) are hyper-vigilant over what the other person is thinks about them. In my case, this leads to me going very quiet because the fear of a negative judgement is so great and to then be conscious of my own quiet, leading me to sometimes desperately say something in order to not seem quiet in cased of a negative judgement. When I was younger I used to lay in bed and fantasize about what phrases I could speak in order to impress others in fictional social situations.

Because of this obsession, the balance between the ego and society within the persona which is presented is so dominated by the society that the persona is totally incongruent with the ego. So when people say to a socially anxious person, ‘others’ opinions do not matter, they really, really do not as they are not really judging us at all.

The absence of sharing our own thoughts, feelings or desires means we are never sharing who we think we are, our ego, with anyone else.

(Photo by Aarón Blanco Tejedor on Unsplash)

Moreover, this obsession with perceived judgement leads to insecurity, in which our own sense of self is completely tied to how we believe others perceive us. For example, when I was younger, if I felt that someone perceived me badly it would lower my mood and visa-versa. Others judgements were how I defined myself.

This lack of expression of who we think we are and the attachment of our sense of self to other’s perception of ourselves, leads to an undefined sense of self.

Back to the initial question, can social anxiety be cured?

I used to ask myself the same question and now I stop myself from asking it. This is because of the aforementioned reasons; being free of social anxiety is impossible as we all suffer from social anxiety in some degree and a quick fix is impossible as there is nothing that you can do to rapidly erase behaviour patterns that have been carried out for years.

Will social anxiety ever go away? Will I ever experience ‘normal’ levels of social anxiety? I do not know. As we all experience some level of social anxiety, I think it would be hard to know when someone begins to experience ‘normal’ or ‘healthy’ levels of anxiety in proportion to their surroundings.

However, do I think that a socially anxious person can lead a life in which they find something in which they excel at, a partner who loves them and friends whom they trust, a life filled with meaning and connection? Yes!

How do I think this can be achieved?

By building up your ego. Which I know is contrary to what you hear on the internet, in which the ego is a negative force.

But without the ego you have no idea who you are, you cannot understand your own place in the world.

As explained previously, a socially anxious person has an undefined sense of self (this is based on what I have experienced). Therefore, by building up your own sense of self your reliance on others’ perceptions as a means of self-evaluation decreases and you rely on your own perceptions of yourself, based on your own morals and ideals, in order to judge who you are.

My goal is not to rid myself of social anxiety – it is to be free from the judgement of others.

What does this mean?

To be so secure in who I am that how I perceive others to judge me has little to no influence on my own sense of who I am, and how I act (I do not think it is possible to be completely free of the judgement of others as it is, again, a natural human worry).

Jung states, “The first half of life is devoted to forming a healthy ego, the second half is going inward and letting go of it.”

As somebody who watches lots of self improvement videos (can you tell?!!), watch any David Goggins or Chris Williamson video on confidence and they will tell you to build a locker of evidence, of things you have accomplished.

Importantly, sometimes I fantasize about how people will perceive me after I have accomplished something challenging. Which stems from my own insecurity. It is hard to differentiate whether you are trying to achieve something for your own or for others approval. I think it is important to be conscious of this; making sure you accomplish things for yourself.

When you are socially anxious you lock yourself away, not giving yourself the opportunity to explore or pursue anything. I think it is important to get out and try, even if you fail.

Jung states, “The perpetual hesitation of the neurotic to launch out into life is readily explained by his desire to stand aside so as not to get involved in the dangerous struggle for existence. But anyone who refuses to experience life must suffocate his longing to live – in other words, he must commit partial suicide.”

So develop a sense of who you are. What do you like to do? What actions do you think are morally unjustified? What books do you like? Do you even like reading?…

Try and isolate your own desires from what society tells you you should enjoy. Which is really hard.

Then try and improve at something, achieve something that you can remind yourself, not others, that you accomplished.

Try and engage someone in conversation; it will not go to plan but at least you can walk home with the security that you faced up to the anxiety you experience.

And maybe, just maybe you will be more secure in yourself, less controlled by perceived judgements and better able to face up to any anxieties which come your way.

Hey, thank you for reading, hopefully you can gain some insights with what I have shared.

As much as I am writing this for you to read, I am also very much doing this as a guide to myself. I am aware I am saying this like a bit of a ‘know it all’, as if I have overcome these negative thought patterns. I have not; I still lock myself away and have lots of work to do in this area…

And I am an idiot twenty-two year old boy, so take everything with a grain of salt!

I have done a fair amount of research into Carl Jung but I do not think I have even scratched the surface of what there is to know.

I do not think this is the only way social anxiety can be ‘solved’, their are many other routes. I think this is a very important stage in anyone’s life, and if you suffer from SA it could give you that jump start which starts the ball rolling, a slow but consistent source of momentum.

And If you want to see how my own personal journey with social anxiety is going just click below!

Here or here

The Next Two Weeks as a Shy Solo Traveller in Thailand

by Aidan on Sep 16, 2024 category Travel

(Some steps in the hills near Mae Kampong village)

After an unexpectedly long stay in Bangkok, I finally decided that I would finally start exploring elsewhere. After hearing ‘Kanchanaburi’ thrown around among other travellers, and having no real plan, I decided to make my way there. So I took the train from Bangkok to Kanchanaburi.

Sitting there on the train I remember feeling great, I felt positive about the previous week, felt I had accomplished lots and grown from the experience prior. However, I was sad to go, to say goodbye to people whom I had met and to leave somewhere I enjoyed staying.

Walking into the hostel for the first time, I remember feeling tired from my journey and a little apprehensive about what was next, but I felt confident in my ability to put myself out there, even when anxious.

I got myself checked in and immediately met somebody. This time it felt less forced: the meeting seemed to occur naturally. We went and explored the night market nearby and some of the local bars.

My stay in Kanchanaburi was great, I met some people who I am still in contact with today, I saw some beautiful sights and spent some good time with the locals who ran hostel. But the exhaustion started to kick in and there were a few days in which I began to feel a little isolated, where I did solo stuff, where I felt myself begin to withdraw. I needed to recharge my social battery because it was empty!

So I took myself to Nakhon Sawan, booking myself a night with my own room. It was just what I needed to get back on my feet again. It was a place that saw few travellers, I must have been the only tourist there! I got many odd looks and even had a few people ask for a photo. It was scary but exciting to go somewhere where others have not.

(View from the outside of Wat Tham Khao Pun, Kanchanaburi)

Afterwards, I took a horrible twelve hour night train to Chiang Mai, the northern capital of Thailand.

What a lovely and beautiful city, with beautiful temples, gorgeous surrounding mountainous landscape and with loads to do. Elephant Sanctuaries, skydiving, base jumping and almost everything else was nearby. Despite this, my experience was overshadowed by how antisocial I found the hostel.

I did manage to go outside of my comfort zone a few times, I started conversations with a few strangers and met some interesting people. But overall I did not enjoy my time there because I felt really isolated. So without experiencing all I wished, I had to cut my experience short and left for Pai.

After a stomach churning 762 turn minivan drive I arrived in the small town of Pai, in the Mae Hong son region. Which turned out to be a western haven; I saw more westerners than Thais in this small town. The scenery was beautiful and I really enjoyed exploring the surrounding areas on the back of a scooter.

On my first day, walking along the street, I stumble upon some of the guys I had met in Kanchanaburi. We ended up forming a little group during my time here which was really nice. I was getting very tired of the transient, one day friendships formed when travelling.

Whilst I did meet a few new people, the security found in friendships already formed discouraged me from going outside of my comfort zone. Whilst the security was nice, It did not push me to pursue.

I had a little group, but it started to come into focus that despite my distance from home, I was still the same person who left. You take yourself wherever you go. It had only been two weeks and I was still the same anxious and awkward person I was when I left.

I did my best to go out as much as others did, but it did not work for me and on a few occasions I was there with people but unable to speak or move; desperately wanting to leave but feeling so anxious that I felt trapped in my own body! Which was really unpleasant.

This second stage of my trip was mixed. Some amazing sights, whether it be waterfalls, temples or mountains. But it was also unwanted but necessary reality check.

In conclusion, what have I learned from this leg of my trip?

You carry yourself wherever you go

Everyone seems to say that when you go somewhere completely new you have the opportunity to reinvent yourself, to be whoever you want to be.
For me this left me with a delusion that I would somehow just be different, naturally changed.
But, naturally, I was still the same person that left.
I told myself that this trip is all about me facing up to the issues which I am confronted with. But I realized that there was a part of me that was looking for a magic pill to cure the anxiety which I experience.
So I realized that just turning up will not make a difference, it is what I do when I get there that is significant. It is how I challenge myself when I am in these different places will cause me to make progress.

Vigilance, perseverance and consistency are the only way in which you will improve

I have a tendency to withdraw from others, being aware and vigilant of this behaviour is vital. In my first days in Bangkok I made some great progress and I think whilst this next leg of the trip was important, I made less progress because I was less conscious of this tendency and let this trait take over, missing out on opportunities in the process
Not every stage of my trip was going to be perfect and go to plan. And this stage did not go as I wished. I knew this was always going to happen. I know now that it is important to keep persevering. Changes will not happen overnight. This sounds very cliché but it is true!
It is no good being sociable one day and antisocial the next, the person you would like to be is not like that so do not act as such. I saw myself doing that frequently during this leg, sociable one day and retreating into myself the next. Consistency is key.

Hey, thanks for reading all this way!
Let me know how I have done, or any questions you might have.

Excitement and Terror, the First 9 days of Travel

by Aidan on Sep 15, 2024 category Travel

Finally, after a long slog of work in hospitality, I was at Heathrow airport awaiting my flight to Bangkok, Suvarnabhumi Airport. Excited but mostly terrified, my mum and little brother were there to see me off.

There was a big part of me that did not want to leave, that wanted to stay back at home, that never wanted to leave. To stay where I am in the know, but where I feel I am only surviving and not really living.

After a long flight, with little sleep and an hour train journey, I got off the Skytrain at Ari, Bangkok. As I got off the train I was Immediately hit with a wall of thick, humid air. But it was a gorgeous day and I could see and feel the warm, orange glow of the sun as it set.

I felt completely lost, and it was the first time I registered the reality of the task I had undertaken; I was an awkward boy, alone in a strange foreign country and everything ahead of me was completely up to myself.

I managed to get myself to my Hostel, which was the Yard hostel, Bangkok. This is the best hostel I have been to so far (more on this later!). I felt completely overwhelmed; there were loads of people at the hostel and I felt as if each one of their eyes was on me, watching me. I have never felt so desperate for a friendly face in my life.

After being shown to my room, I immediately met a guy from Germany who had just arrived in Bangkok an hour before me. I could feel my whole body take a breath out and relax tenfold. I felt I had been given a lifeline.

That night we went and explored a bit of the city together, taking in some of the vibrant crazy-ness of Bangkok. From the unrelenting tuk-tuks drivers on every corner or a family of five on a motorcycle or raw, unrefrigerated meats being sold in 30 degree heat at night; it blew my mind.

(A band playing outside Ari station, the first thing I saw when I got off the train)

The following day we went to see many of the temples in Bangkok. You have to go and seen them, If it is your first time in a South East Asian country, the scale and the opulence of the temples in the Grand Palace will be like nothing you have ever seen before.

But by about 12 O’clock, I seemed to loose the ability to speak, speaking and listening took all the energy I could muster. After an obligatory walk of Khaosan road I went to bed feeling a little disappointed with myself for the way that I was, but still hopeful.

The following day my semi-friend was gone and I was alone again! Back to square one. I was terrified! So I set myself the challenge just to speak to one person who I did not know. So forcing my legs to walk and lips to move I said hello to a guy who I saw sitting alone. It went much better than I expected and we ended up having a really good conversation.

I ended up staying in Bangkok for 9 days in total because I enjoyed life at the hostel so much. The yard hostel is the best hostel I have ever been to. The staff were super lovely, the atmosphere was great but most importantly there was only one small area where you could smoke, which forced everyone together. One of the most important things that happened during my stay was when one of the members of staff asked me to move to the smoking area when smoking. And through this every single day I had the opportunity to meet new people and practice speaking to them.

(make sure you bring some insect repellent!)

I forgot I could actually enjoy being around people! And over the course of these 9 days, I spent all of the nights chilling in the smoking area speaking to people from all over.

However, there were times when it just got too much. For example on my 3rd night at the hostel, I went out with a few people I met earlier on the day to a rooftop bar. I just fell into myself, and sat and said little to nothing. I walked home feeling miserable and disappointed. Feeling really insecure.

This was not the only time this happened and was certainly not the only time where I felt I made a bad first impression. But for the first time ever I felt almost free of these feelings the following day. I still felt a bit embarrassed, but I knew that I was still a work in progress. I was still very awkward and slow in conversation, but I was working on it. It felt very liberating to be ok with making mistakes. When normally I slam myself with every conversational mistake three days later

(Inside Bang Krachao, Bangkok’s green lung)

Some days I felt great, others I felt very isolated, but every day I knew that I was making progress.

What did I learn from these first 9 days?

When you confront anxious thoughts by being the instigator of conversations, you feel a sense of inner security that eliminates some of the self consciousness that you may experience.
- Hey! you’re trying your best its ok if your a little awkward!
- The reverse is true; the less you try the more self conscious you feel when you mess up.

Be consistent; keep facing your anxiety
- ‘I spoke to him, I’m done for the day, no need to speak to anyone else!’
- Facing up to the ‘dragon’ every once in a while will not change anything, only applying consistent pressure will. See it like practice, to learn an instrument you have to be consistent, the same can be said for speech.

Give yourself time to rest
- You are not there yet, so do not run before you can walk, be consistent but attempting to talk to new people every second of every day will be exhausting (it is exhausting even for the most extraverted people!), so give yourself a night or day to recover and go again!
- Some days I just got so exhausted and needed to rest. And that is ok as well!

These first few days filled me with hope, I saw into the future; I saw a glimpse of who I could be. Some days were harder than others, but I knew that was part of the experience. It was the most eye opening, exciting and terrifying few days of my life so far.

Thanks for reading all the way, this is my first post so please let me know how I have done/any questions.

I have a feeling it is too self focused so please let me know how you feel.

Thanks for reading!