After being secluded for a month I was an anxious mess. I had spent too long alone with my own thoughts over that month – which I learned lots from – but I found myself reverting to that shy, awkward boy who can vanish without a whisper. This was how I felt when I arrived in Langkawi, Malaysia for the first time… I also felt excited to be exploring a new country, I had spent nearly 3 months in Thailand!
But I was ok, I think when somebody such as myself, who is shy by nature, hides for a month naturally all those avoidance tendencies that they are trying to overcome, come back with a vengeance. That is what happened.
My first interactions were very awkward, it was like I had briefly forgotten how to communicate. I became petrified whenever I looked into anyone’s eyes, I would walk the other way just to avoid any brief exchanges with anyone.
But I did end up conversing with a few people, it was slow and awkward but I accepted this as inevitable. But I was ok with this, I knew I would recover after a few days. I did not beat myself up for this, which is something I would normally do.
I was being kinder and more patient with myself which, for me, means I am making progress!
Afterwards, I made my way down to George Town, a city in Penang Island.
For the first time sense being on my travels I seemed to have a clear direction with what I was doing, I felt a sense of security in myself.
This is one of my favourite destinations so far. I spent 8 hours on the first day just walking around and taking everything in. Langkawi being predominantly Malay and Penang being mostly Chinese, it felt like I walked into a completely different country!
After spending such a long time in Thailand, I really appreciated the culture shock and felt myself getting excited about the country I was about to explore!
However, I booked the hostel In George Town without any research – and as the host showed me to my dorm she showed me to the wide, open bar upstairs. A she gleefully told me, ‘… and there is a bar upstairs!’
‘Great’, I replied! My heart sank as I realized I had booked a party hostel… As she said those words I could already feel the anxiety begin to bubble up inside…
But it was ok, I saw the prospect of walking up those stairs as a really good way in which to counter my anxiety
And I did it! On the first day it was horrible. As I did not have the courage to start a conversation, I stood and loitered near the conglomeration awkwardly. I suffered a hour of hell and locked myself in the toilet, subsequently running away back tot the safety of my bed.
The following day went much better, knowing no one I willed my body to sit and eat my breakfast with a group I had never spoken to before. the same evening I did the same thing and asked to join a few who were having a conversation.
It did not go perfectly but I did it and faced up to the anxiety!
The following day I did not go and socialize because, being truthful, I was really scared! But that’s ok
I felt a sense of security in myself as I challenged the anxiety that I was experiencing.
The following day I left to go to Ipoh, followed by the Cameron Highlands.
Despite objectively failing at the hostel prior, I felt really positive going forward.
I still had many moments of shyness at both Ipoh and the Cameron Highlands. Such as, diverting my eyes when walking past somebody, or going very quiet when put in a group situation. That was ok, I feel I had recovered from Langkawi and that I was improving.
Whilst I was at the Cameron Highlands I met somebody, also from England, who was following the same route as I was. We seemed to get on well and after discussing it a little bit, we decided that we would travel together for a bit.
This was great, as whilst it can be really freeing being on the road on your own, it does get lonely.
I felt very happy but equally as scared to be travelling with someone else. I am not used to spending time with people, let alone all of my time!
But I liked him and I knew that it would do me a world of good spending that much time with someone else. I knew it would be really taxing, and it would be hard but it would be another step in the right direction. It gave me a sense of security that I had never experienced when travelling alone.
And so we travelled through Kuala Lumpur, Melaka and Singapore together (and Borneo).
I loved it, we had some really great conversations and shared some amazing travel experiences.
However, I got so tired. I was on alert all the time, trying to mange and control the anxiety that I was experiencing when around him. Do we have to speak all the time? Do we spend all our time together? I did not know how to act!! I found myself craving my own company much of the time. Not because I did not enjoy his company, but because it was really taxing.
Kuala Lumpur was incredible, it felt so alive, rich in culture and people. Melaka was a really charming colonial city. Singapore was like nothing I have ever experienced before, the most modern and beautiful city I have seen.
After Singapore we went back to Kuala Lumpur to fly to the Borneo side of Malaysia
What have I gathered from the experience?
- I was learning to share my time with others more. I was spending most of my time with somebody else – all the breakfasts, lunches and dinners and all the activities. It was not easy but I think it was amazing for me. Each day the anxiety got less and less when around him, and I found myself sometimes relaxing and becoming less on edge and on alert.
- I was gaining a sense of calmness about myself. I’m still not sure what the feeling means but I am guessing it meant that I was gaining, not confidence, but a sense of security in who I was.
- Something was changing in my outlook on life, it felt sometimes as if I was going into some sort of meditative state. I’m still not sure what was happening but something in my mind was shifting. At the time of writing I am still struggling to understand quite what was/is happening… but a calmness was coming over me.
I really, really loved this first half of Malaysia (peninsula). It felt like for the first time I was steadily making some progress. I had an amazing time and was starting to feel happier in myself and began to develop a sense of security in the path that lay ahead.
Thank you for reading!
Here are some links to some of my previous posts, here and here
Leave a Reply