It has been a whirlwind. From endorphin fueled highs to isolated, overtrained misery. I feel as if I have been through it all this month. But I feel like I am through to the other side (finally!), feeling better than I have for years.
I want to share what I went through, why I feel so good at the time of writing and what I have learned. Hopefully I can inspire you in the process!!
The camp was next after my first teaching experience in Thailand, link to this here. I completed it at Bull Muay Thai, Ao Nang, Thailand.
Right, lets get to it…
In the beginning…
The first few days were amazing, jacked-up on endorphins and super excited to be doing something I had wanted to do for years!
The training was so fun, and I felt I was learning lots each day.
I felt anxious that I would not be able to meet anybody, but that was a given. Despite this, I felt confident that I could overcome these feelings.
However, I was out of any nicotine products after my third day and I decided to finally give it up for good, and my smile began to turn upside down…
I turned back into a lesser version of myself
Despite tapering my nicotine consumption, I still suffered withdrawal. Insomnia, headaches, chronic brain fog and a resurgence of anxious and depressive thoughts
Around this time, just as Krabi became caught in a monsoon, I came out with a case of food poisoning.
I spent three days cooped up in my room, curtains drawn being sick and (as my mum can attest to!) feeling very, very sorry for myself!
I will say that again – I had my own room. Unlike in the hostels, I could disappear. Those three days stuck in my room lead me to fall back into old bad habits. I withdrew more and more. Telling myself the others at the training were antisocial and not myself, avoiding people at training and disappearing ASAP!! Back into a world in which I wasted my time tucked away, watching things on Youtube I did not even enjoy.
I became increasingly anxious and homesick, no longer feeling confident that I could overcome my anxious thoughts.
The training was not going as I hoped, my body felt weary and I was not making it to two sessions daily. I also injured my legs on the first day so I could not kick! I felt angry with myself for being lazy and for not making as much progress as I would have liked to.
I was stuck inside because of the torrential downpour, my self loathing mounting.
Having my own room was nice. However, unlike in the hostels, I could disappear. This was not good for me.
It was not all bad
The one good thing I did do was start this blog. On my third day I started this project, it has given me direction when I have been cooped up all day…
Ao Nang is beautiful. Everywhere you go there are magnificent, towering limestone formations everywhere. When the weather was nice, I felt blessed to be able to see and explore what I did.
Whilst I was unhappy with myself and my progress, I still really enjoyed training. The coaches were great, always playing and having fun… You have to watch out though – they’ll give you a quick jab to the body or a snappy kick if you’re not careful!
Then, everything seemed to come together…
I was making lots of progress on my blog, my withdrawal abated and because of my persistence at training, I started to improve.
I realized that sometimes I just needed a rest from training, so I took that extra rest day and came stronger and vastly improved! it made such a difference.
I began allowing myself to be bad, which is soooo freeing. Normally I pile up so much pressure on myself to be the best that the activity is no longer enjoyable and I stop improving. I stopped comparing and focused on myself.
It felt so good to be able to witness my own improvement!
It has given me such a sense of self confidence!
I left each session feeling great. The coach saying “well done, you do good” makes me feel amazing!
Every training session its hard. We start each session with ten minutes of skipping. Then, normally three rounds on the pads and three rounds on the bag (sometimes with push-ups in between rounds), followed by, three rounds sparring and fifteen minutes of clinching and then!… A core workout and stretching to finish…
Everything hurts. Your thighs from being leg kicked, shins from kicking the bag, wrists from punching and your nose from being hit in the face!
You have to learn to make a punch or kick. Initially, when sparring, I kept closing my eyes when I saw a punch was coming – flinching. You cannot do this. So for thirty seconds each day I got someone to just punch me in the stomach! You have to accept that you are going to get hit.
So, your body gets stronger, you get braver and your mind becomes increasingly resilient.
I feel a sense after completing it that I grew from the experience, this gives me confidence.
I am aware that I am still really bad, still a complete beginner. I do not think I have ever taken a hard kick or punch either. All of the trainers who are all a foot (if not more!) smaller than me could knock me out in a heartbeat if they wished. As I mentioned previously, I allowed myself to be bad, leaving my ego at the door. I was completely humbled, having to just focus on what I can learn and how I can improve
Furthermore
People were trying to get to know me at the gym and I realized all that fear was all in my head. I got to know people finally (I know, it only took three and a half weeks!).
Also, I started to get the know the trainers, and the gym began to feel like home.
I had a brief glimpse of who I would be if I continued those bad habits – a lonely, resentful and unaccomplished individual. The shock of seeing has given me lots of motivation to work harder.
And ultimately…
I had four weeks completely to myself. No travel, my only responsibility the training. Who ever has a month completely to themselves?
Had had a real chance to reflect on my life, the ways in which I lie to myself and self sabotage.
I devoted the past month to my blog and improving at Muay Thai, I worked hard.
These are not skills I had previously. Simply put, I have improved my skills.
And my body is as strong as it has ever been, which feels amazing!
As is often the case going through darker, tumultuous period has lead to this feeling of optimism.
To conclude
Disappear and develop some skills for a month and see how you feel.
And possibly even fall back into those bad habits, so you can just have a taste of how you would end up if you carried on with them…
Have a good look at yourself, and be honest!
I have not felt this optimistic and hopeful I think… Forever. I hope you can feel that after reading this. I want to learn more and more and more, improving my skills in every area possible!
I hope that you have gained some insights after reading this.
And feel inspired to do something similar…
Thanks for reading!
P.S here is a link to some other Muay Thai camps in Thailand, just here.
And here is a link to one of my previous posts, detailing my journey to try and overcome social anxiety.
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