Finally, after a long slog of work in hospitality, I was at Heathrow airport awaiting my flight to Bangkok, Suvarnabhumi Airport. Excited but mostly terrified, my mum and little brother were there to see me off.
There was a big part of me that did not want to leave, that wanted to stay back at home, that never wanted to leave. To stay where I am in the know, but where I feel I am only surviving and not really living.
After a long flight, with little sleep and an hour train journey, I got off the Skytrain at Ari, Bangkok. As I got off the train I was Immediately hit with a wall of thick, humid air. But it was a gorgeous day and I could see and feel the warm, orange glow of the sun as it set.
I felt completely lost, and it was the first time I registered the reality of the task I had undertaken; I was an awkward boy, alone in a strange foreign country and everything ahead of me was completely up to myself.
I managed to get myself to my Hostel, which was the Yard hostel, Bangkok. This is the best hostel I have been to so far (more on this later!). I felt completely overwhelmed; there were loads of people at the hostel and I felt as if each one of their eyes was on me, watching me. I have never felt so desperate for a friendly face in my life.
After being shown to my room, I immediately met a guy from Germany who had just arrived in Bangkok an hour before me. I could feel my whole body take a breath out and relax tenfold. I felt I had been given a lifeline.
That night we went and explored a bit of the city together, taking in some of the vibrant crazy-ness of Bangkok. From the unrelenting tuk-tuks drivers on every corner or a family of five on a motorcycle or raw, unrefrigerated meats being sold in 30 degree heat at night; it blew my mind.
The following day we went to see many of the temples in Bangkok. You have to go and seen them, If it is your first time in a South East Asian country, the scale and the opulence of the temples in the Grand Palace will be like nothing you have ever seen before.
But by about 12 O’clock, I seemed to loose the ability to speak, speaking and listening took all the energy I could muster. After an obligatory walk of Khaosan road I went to bed feeling a little disappointed with myself for the way that I was, but still hopeful.
The following day my semi-friend was gone and I was alone again! Back to square one. I was terrified! So I set myself the challenge just to speak to one person who I did not know. So forcing my legs to walk and lips to move I said hello to a guy who I saw sitting alone. It went much better than I expected and we ended up having a really good conversation.
I ended up staying in Bangkok for 9 days in total because I enjoyed life at the hostel so much. The yard hostel is the best hostel I have ever been to. The staff were super lovely, the atmosphere was great but most importantly there was only one small area where you could smoke, which forced everyone together. One of the most important things that happened during my stay was when one of the members of staff asked me to move to the smoking area when smoking. And through this every single day I had the opportunity to meet new people and practice speaking to them.
I forgot I could actually enjoy being around people! And over the course of these 9 days, I spent all of the nights chilling in the smoking area speaking to people from all over.
However, there were times when it just got too much. For example on my 3rd night at the hostel, I went out with a few people I met earlier on the day to a rooftop bar. I just fell into myself, and sat and said little to nothing. I walked home feeling miserable and disappointed. Feeling really insecure.
This was not the only time this happened and was certainly not the only time where I felt I made a bad first impression. But for the first time ever I felt almost free of these feelings the following day. I still felt a bit embarrassed, but I knew that I was still a work in progress. I was still very awkward and slow in conversation, but I was working on it. It felt very liberating to be ok with making mistakes. When normally I slam myself with every conversational mistake three days later
Some days I felt great, others I felt very isolated, but every day I knew that I was making progress.
What did I learn from these first 9 days?
- When you confront anxious thoughts by being the instigator of conversations, you feel a sense of inner security that eliminates some of the self consciousness that you may experience.
- Hey! you’re trying your best its ok if your a little awkward!
- The reverse is true; the less you try the more self conscious you feel when you mess up.
- Be consistent; keep facing your anxiety
- ‘I spoke to him, I’m done for the day, no need to speak to anyone else!’
- Facing up to the ‘dragon’ every once in a while will not change anything, only applying consistent pressure will. See it like practice, to learn an instrument you have to be consistent, the same can be said for speech.
- Give yourself time to rest
- You are not there yet, so do not run before you can walk, be consistent but attempting to talk to new people every second of every day will be exhausting (it is exhausting even for the most extraverted people!), so give yourself a night or day to recover and go again!
- Some days I just got so exhausted and needed to rest. And that is ok as well!
These first few days filled me with hope, I saw into the future; I saw a glimpse of who I could be. Some days were harder than others, but I knew that was part of the experience. It was the most eye opening, exciting and terrifying few days of my life so far.
Thanks for reading all the way, this is my first post so please let me know how I have done/any questions.
I have a feeling it is too self focused so please let me know how you feel.
Thanks for reading!